My Unrequited Love

Years ago, 

He didn't aware about my thoughts 

Whenever he passes I hold my breathe,

And just wait that might be he turned 

But he didn't turn

And 

All I could do is just wait to let him understand my feelings 

No I think his feelings 

But before anything happen 

I destroyed myself and I leave 

Then I moved on 

Make myself very strong women 

A bitch, a selfish bitch who always think about herself 

I betrayed everyone just make myself as hard as stone,

Worked as hard, gives myself so much pain, do not let me down,

And here I slowly slowly started making myself as bright as wanna be,

And then 

He pops up again 

Gave me same butterflies 

As if he understand what was exactly in my mind at that time

This time I am bit close to him 

Bit more expressive, talktive

Bit more strong 

And then 

I open my heart once again 

Gather myself and tell him 

That I am not anymore strong in front him

I want him to hug me or hold my Hands 

Want him to tell me that he likes me too,

So I could lean more on him 

Tell him that how much I've been waited for this moment 

In this cold whether,

I feel warmth between us 

But my heart wanna listen those words first

My eyes were glittery no might be teary 

But I want to hold myself 

Do not let him down, 

Not to show him that how much vulnerable I am

Second I want me show him why I couldn't sleep at time 

In all those years what I suffers, why I am like this, 

I wanna grab myself in his long jacket 

As If he will take care of things for me, I don't need to be strong anymore, I can be weak because I have him....

But before that I want him to be mine 

Might be I sound bit mean to him 

But now I am

Then those words came out

No not at all 

I am not expecting this 

I mean how, why, what 

All those question marks in my mind suddenly I feel no warmth 

Like all cold come back but only for me

Then I said its okay let's be friends as always

But then why my tears are not going stop

Why I just wanna hold him bit longer

Tell him 

Don't go, I can wait for him 

I am always be like this hold my tears 

but today 

i let my tears out after long time

I cried myself, feeling so disgusting,  console myself again and again 

But somewhere in my dreams 

I wanna feel that things that, 

He has same thing like me 

Interpret his silence as I did every time 

Tried to understand him no matter how complicated he is,

I smile with him, not regretting about my past anymore

He gives me his hands tell me that how he belongs to me like I belong to him

Then 

Its an illusion 

He don't have anything  

it's going to end as if it meant to be happen only this way only 

Then

I end my unreqiuite love for him 

Let him go, after all I don't need him 

It's just that I love him 

Hold my self again 

As always keep myself very strong 

And

Move on....

Show the world that I am someone nobody let me down not so easily 

Show me that i am doing so great,

i came this far,

Moving forward because I can't stop not now....

Then

I rise again same day same morning but no butterflies 

Its just my mind grilling things again,

doing things as if this is something I want, so obsessed of being so "perfect".

Still winter is deep and so much cold here, 

no warmth anymore just fog a lot of fog 

and

in this fog I lost my unrequited love 

And this time I don't even try to find it again 

I don't want hope again

Because hope is a bitch

Just like me

So i close my eyes 

And feel the warmth of my fire, my dream's fire 

Then 

this unrequited love end 

As if it has to be 

Might be not to be

But nothing matters 

What matters is that my unrequited love is end.....